feeling

Sadness is strange

it can creep up on you and sometimes it knocks you off your feet

most times it feels like a heavy weight

dulling your senses, your desires

obliterating your will

goals and dreams drain away

an incomplete indifference remaining

Listening to the same old sad songs

relating to the emotions of the music

crying is supposed to be cathartic

but I feel that it can be a gateway

to a realm of negative emotions and self-harm behaviors

happiness is so goddamn elusive

one minute you feel that high

no drug like it in the world

I’ve been chasing that high for my entire life

I want to be happy

I want love

hardest things to admit to yourself and to others because it sets you up for the biggest disappointments

stars

I want to dance with someone in the sunrise in the early mornings, jump into bed and play our favorite games, sleep secure in each other’s embrace, happiness radiating out of every single pore, I love. Walks in the rain, adventures late at night, traveling together city through city, road trips with the radio on blast singing our songs off-key. I want to look over into the depths of your eyes and see the stars. Growing old wouldn’t seem so bad with you. Full house, cooking in the kitchen, laughter ringing in the house, children making too much noise, I would not be content, I would be overjoyed. Feeling your arms around me, I can close my eyes and just let go. The fears, the insecurities, the feelings of disappointing would drop away. A timeless love song is how I want us to be remembered.

Purity & Caste

Purity rituals exist religion wide from baptism in Catholicism to Mikvah in Judaism and Amrit Sanchar in Sikhism. This idea of water as a cleansing factor to represent washing away sins of the mind, body, and soul and to emerge anew is repetitive in religion and understandable. The simple act of bathing oneself is a physical visualization of dirt and dust being swept away so the analogy isn’t very hard to comprehend. Therefore, making this association relatively straightforward.

However, relationships between purity and caste and virginal status I personally am not in accordance with; albeit also are very apparent in multiple religions. These are common themes that go hand in hand, rooted with time, and the perpetuance of tradition and culture. The hierarchal stratification among society is nothing new as it is immediately established with any group of individuals. However, the ideation that one caste is more pure than the other is nonsense in my opinon. Take Hinduism for example; there are 4 varnas where Brahmins, the pure ones, reside at the top and Shudras are the bottom-feeders. Their role was to serve and to be compliant with access restricted to streets and temples as even their shadow was thought to be impure.

TBC

-GG

trust fall

closing your eyes and letting go of all inhibitions to fall backwards with the absolute trust that you will be caught is one of the most scariest emotional rollercoasters in the world.

reality and perception

Okay lol so this video reminded me of the matrix which a select few of people think is actually reality. The whole premise of the video is that our perception of reality is stored as discrete information blocks that overlap and are subject to the laws of physics. I have a hard time believing this. I wish I knew more about it and physics to explain this better. Time is relative. That has been proven, so no denying that but our consciousness perceives our reality as it is, ie our world, just like everyone else does. Memories can’t be switching between time because of our life as humans, and the growth of the world around is changing, and those moments in the past that were fluid then because we were living them, are stagnant now and stored as a select few neurons firing. It’s a recall process when we try and retrieve memories. When there’s dysfunction with the hippocampus and the amygdala where memories are stored we get chagras syndrome and other dementias. There’s a physical explanation for that. Obviously we are conscious beings and it’s relayed as a bunch of neurons firing, but there’s more to that.

The question of souls, and then the afterlife comes into question.

So idk you know, reality is obviously what you perceive right, BUT the question is: are you perceiving the truth? that hasn’t been answered, and that’s where all these theories and biocentrism comes into play. All in all, I’m totally undecided.

-GG

Addicted

the memory of sweet, sweet release obliterates my mind

tendrils of seductive emotions twist and entwine up around my will

flexin’ and bendin’ it towards that devious little monster on my shoulder

succumb to me

it orders

 

-GG

the weather inside me

 

I feel the grey, listless clouds clearing slowly.

Light, bright, full of delight bubbling through. Can’t be contained. That glow suffusing you inside out, akin to happiness, warming you down to your tippy toes.

Rainy murky gloomy days are a necessary evil but the sunshine that filters through the partition afterwards is heavenly.

When Idc.

There’s days when I don’t feel good. Everything could be going well, and my life is on track. School’s going well, I have supportive friends, family that gives a f, and thus i should have no complaints right? But, no. There’s days like today where IDC.

I’m mentally and emotionally just not feeling good and there’s no particular reason for it. That’s the shitty part. When there’s a problem, you can identify it and thus create a solution and execute. I have so much anxiety right now about things and people and situations that on any other given day I wouldn’t think twice about. I’ve been up since 3 am, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t go to work, don’t want to answer txts and calls. That’s the worst actually. Not checking your phone, but the anxiety building when you don’t check.

It’s a cycle definitely and I’ve become better at breaking myself out of it. But it exists.

learning

Learning to love yourself is like an experimental study where the controls are constantly altered due to life. It could be double blind because we are both subject and experimenter and we are constantly changing with an unforeseeable future.

We are never stagnant. Isn’t that mind-blowing when you really think about it? It sets us apart, that ability to keep developing mentally. That’s why trials and errors and accidental discoveries are the substance of growth. So like Ms. Frizzle used to say, “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!” You will definitely learn something new about yourself!

slay

It’s my resilience that I stay hopeful

I’m fine

my mantra until it is true

reflecting inwards, its a mess

tangled ties, twisted and torn

how will you weave through this forest

bring your sword and slay through my demons

I’ll be waiting for you on the other side

with faith, with love, with honesty, and respect

all i offer with no expectations in return

truth.